When I discovered I was pregnant for the 2nd time around this time last year, I started praying. Praying for a healthy baby, for a larger capacity, for preparation to mother 2...but mostly I prayed for a baby who sleeps. See, Miss E wasn't a huge fan of sleep. I'm talking very little sleeping went on for us for a good 8 months. It was brutal. The Lord used a really hard season of suffering through it to teach us a TON, but it was still very very (very very very) hard.
About a month before I went into labor with little man, I got really anxious. Not the normal mommy anxiousness about labor and the general scariness that comes with having a newborn, but anxious that it would happen again. And that I would have little memory, and little patience, and post-partum depression, and have to put life and ministry on hold until rest was possible.
Things were looking good with our little man. We started off with normal 3 hour cycles and got an occasional 6 hours straight. I felt amazing and concluded the 0-1 child transition was MUCH more difficult than the 1-2. But then ear infections happened, and antibiotics happened, and teething and belly aches happened. As it turns out, 6 months in, he doesn't sleep any better than Miss E did.
It's different this time for sure. By God's grace I haven't had signs of depression, I've had the capacity to chase around a 2 year old, and I have a husband who has fought the boy until he will take a bottle. But I am still utterly exhausted. Right now my 2 hour long college quiet times have dwindled to a few minutes reading a ready-made devotional (on a good day). I'm so thankful for the time I spent in the Word to store up my knowledge and understanding before these days hit.
A few days ago I was reading from Beth Moore's "To Live is Christ Day by Day" and the last line of Day 4 caught me. "He has gone ahead of you, too, to prepare you for the plans He's established for your life." Oh, foolish heart! My perspective can get so lost in the muck and mire of sin and circumstances that I cant see clearly. These are the plans He's established for me. Sometimes God's plans involve really great things, like marrying an amazing man and working for a super awesome college ministry. And sometimes His plans involve months of little sleep and much sickness.
My body may not be able to, but my heart can rest and rejoice. The God I serve is GOOD and He is sovereign. He knew my babies wouldn't sleep well long before I had them, and He still gave them to me. They are gifts, not just because they are my flesh and blood, but because they are the instruments of my sanctification. The Lord is so gracious to use them to teach me so much, so quickly.
"...we rejoice in our sufferings knowing that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame..."
Lord Jesus, may these long, exhausting days be producing great character in me. May it bring hope to my heart that will spill over into the lives of my husband and children. Thank you for your faithfulness in choosing to sanctify us, and in how you sanctify us. But most of all, may it bring you much glory for your gracious dealing with me and for your Fatherly wisdom in how to discipline my selfishness and lack of endurance.
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